SD Part Twelve

Having characters that feel real and alive through their actions, beliefs and emotions enriches the story and can bring the reader deeper into the experience. As an author, one way to accomplish this is by infusing my own personal experiences and emotions into the characters based on the situations they are in.

My own father has been on a depressive/alcoholic/smoking decline in his health for several years since he quit his job. Because of my own personal situation, I moved back in with him and support the best I could. I would like to say my presence helped him stay alive longer than he would have otherwise if left living alone in his misery, but I knew that would only last for a while.  

He developed cirrhosis of the liver, not that I knew it, but I watched him for months and months as his abdomen grew and grew and he did nothing about it but drink more to cover the pain. On Oct 27th, 2020, he finally decided to call for the paramedics to take him to the hospital, knowing he would never return home.

After nine days, there was nothing more the hospital could do for him and today, Nov 5th, 2020 they transferred him to hospice. Pneumonia. Low blood pressure. Copd. Pulmonary hypertension. Comatose. Between his heart, lungs, and liver, it won’t be much longer till he passes.

Writing has become one of my coping mechanisms and expressing myself, regarding this moment in my life, is inevitable. That I am writing a grim dark dealing with loss and the main characters’ struggle to cope only allows me to truly express myself through the character. The frustration. Helplessness. Sorrow. Grief. The need to stand tall and be strong so that others don’t have to bear the full load.

I hope that when this story is out there for others to read, they will feel and understand the depth of emotion and embrace the humanity of it. I will end this with the words I wrote today that expressed my emotional state this afternoon.

What truths do I fear as I watch the blade of uncertainty fall on my neck?

What hope can there be in the face of such undeniable helplessness?

I stand on the edge of reality, looking down at a future that cannot be denied.

Will I find the light before it’s too late?